View Full Version : For the heck of it: Metallica and Lou Reed's "Lulu" thoughts...

11-01-2011, 05:10 PM
I want to be upfront about something. I'm not a thrash metal snob. I know I worked as a heavy metal critic and I write reviews still on here just for shits and giggles, but I should clarify that that doesn't make me a snob. It makes me a fan. When I say snob I mean the kind of person who takes any alteration from what they want and says it's terrible and the band selling out.

I like Metallica's "S&M", I thought the concept was a bit weird, but it was executed well, and like I said, I don't consider it selling out to see Metallica playing with an orchestra. I don't see why anyone would. It's about WHAT they're playing when they're doing it, and they were playing Metallica music.

And so, we come to "Lulu".

Again, I don't think it's Metallica "selling out" or going soft or whatever.

I still fucking hate it though. I hate it so much that words really can't do justice to it.

It's such a half-assed piece of shit I can't believe that the guys that I thought had it figured out to a point("Death Magnetic"), managed to release this garbage.

There should be a law passed that prevents any member of Metallica entering a recording studio again as long as they live without Rick Rubin standing with them in that room, overseeing anything they do or touch.

Here's the real problem with this. It sounds like an entire CD of useless fan mashups. There is genuinely no melody, song structure or anything. This is Metallica taking a bunch of B-level riffs that they had laying around, and having Lou Reed speak overtop of them.

It's available streaming here for those that don't know:


Listen to the first song. "Brandenburg Gate". It's actually one of the least punishing songs on the album, at only 4:19 it's by far the shortest song. But to those who haven't heard it, let me try and summarize. It starts out okay for about 10 seconds of nice acoustic guitar. Then Lou Reed starts talking over the top of it and everything already sounds stupid. His lyrics are rediculous. Then a B-Grade, generic as all hell Metallica riff comes bursting in. Then Hetfield starts singing "Smalltown girl", over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. I really wish this was an exaggeration, but for 3 minutes of the song he sings the same line every 5 seconds. Literally.

Like I said, the ultimate tragedy is how unlistenable that song is, it's that it's actually one of the least objectionably awful songs on the CD.

There was actually a theory after they released the song "The View", the CD's 2nd song and the other least objectionable song because of it's brevity at 5 minutes, that the entire thing was an elaborate prank, and when you listen to the whole thing, you can hear where the theory comes from. The funny thing is, there's a reason that got released. It's the best song on the CD. By far.

Lou Reed is speaking over some of the most generic Metallica riffs you can imagine. Lars Ulrich may have well phoned his drums in because these are some of the laziest, hackiest drums you will hear in your life.

The lyrical content ranges from corny to downright asenine, case in point actual lines like "The taste of your vulva, everything on it. The hair on your shoulders, the smell of your armpit.", "Tie me with a scarf and jewels.Put a bloody gag to my teeth. I beg you to degrade me. Is there waste that I could eat? I am a secret lover. I am your little girl. Please spit into my mouth. Iím forever in your swirl. Youíre heartless and I love that. You have no use of me. But I open the sticks, sticky legs I bear. And then insert a fist.", and "I will swallow your sharpest cutter, like a colored man's dick."

Those are actual lyrics. I don't even know what to say to that nonsense.

"Mistress Dread" is the fourth song and the first time anything resembling interest peaked in me for a breif moment, when it opens with a little orchestra section and then Metallica comes in with a pretty quick and exciting riff. But I dare you to listen to that song in it's entirety. 4 minutes later they're still playing the EXACT SAME RIFF. There is literally no change in it whatsoever. It's the most insane song I've ever heard. A thrash riff on repeat for 5 minutes and Lou Reed speaking over it.

The sheer audacity to release this on the public is offensive to me, it really is. If they spent more than 12 minutes making this CD, they should all retire now. This is the laziest, most uninspired thing I've ever heard in my life.

If you think all that is bad, the second half of the CD is somehow even worse. The songs get longer. Much longer.

"Cheat on Me" is 11 and a half minutes.

"Frustration" is 8 and a half minutes.

"Little Dog" is 8 minutes.

"Dragon" is 11 minutes.

"Junior Dad" is a colossal, soul crushing, drain on your entire life force, 19 and a half minutes long.

I defy any human being from listening to "Junior Dad" start to finish and deriding any enjoyment from that song. It belongs on lists of the worst songs ever recorded.

This isn't just a bad CD, this was a stupid idea from the start that somehow managed to be way worse than anyone ever could have imagined. It's one of the worst things you will ever hear. It's not just that it's bad. It's that it's lazy. It's hard to imagine them actually spending time writing together, as I've said a few times it sounds like Metallica sent Lou Reed a few demo riffs and stuff, and he spoke over them, then Metallica rounded it out. There is no coherency, no melody, no noteworthy riff, no noteworthy moment on the CD. It's hard to imagine how collectively they thought this was good, except the simple explanation I touched on at the start of this ramble.

Metallica has no idea. They're all senile. They can never, ever be allowed into a studio without Rick Rubin again because if they are, they literally have no artistic integrity or merit whatsoever.

This cements the fact that Metallica as a band is completely done. Rick Rubin ripped a good CD out of them with "Death Magnetic", and I trust him to do it again when the time comes. But no one should praise Metallica when it happens, we should herald Rubin as the greatest music producer ever. Because if Metallica is detatched enough to think that this CD has any artistic merit whatsoever, then I really don't know what to say.

This album is 90 minutes long. 90 minutes. There isn't a single second that is tolerable. I defy anyone to listen to this start to finish. I guess I should come clean. I didn't. I listened to the first half of it, and listened to parts of the second half's 10 minute songs...I just couldn't even finish it. I don't think that's ever happened to me before, literally not being able to bring myself to finish listening to an album. So in that regard, congratulations "Lulu".

11-04-2011, 05:04 PM
I don't have time right now, but I will comment on this post in full in a little bit. Curious though as to why we don't see a Megadeth review... I'll have mine coming shortly on that as well. While we are at it... Anthrax's - Worship Music?? Thoughts?..

11-05-2011, 04:02 PM
I don't have time right now, but I will comment on this post in full in a little bit. Curious though as to why we don't see a Megadeth review... I'll have mine coming shortly on that as well. While we are at it... Anthrax's - Worship Music?? Thoughts?..

Been pretty busy lately, and frankly this infuriated me way more than either of those made me love it. I do really like "Worship Music" though, very good CD. Haven't had a chance to even listen to Megadeth yet.

11-05-2011, 11:01 PM
Th1rt3en is pretty solid, I certainly like it more than Endgame.

11-06-2011, 11:23 AM
Wow, agreed, some of the worst music in history here.

02-09-2012, 01:30 PM
Wow cayugaP you right on about that one. Pretty bad. Now I have "smalltown girl" stuck in my head.

I suppose this an artistic record?? Total mis-use of Lou Reed. I mean the guy is a legend and he can write some interesting stuff that is catchy. But this just sounds like his poetry over Metallica instrumentals.

And what is up with the cover art? Kinda dumb looking maniquin with no arms. I guess LULU painted in blood is neat.

Going to try to listen to Junior Dad. WTF it stopped after 30 seconds.

02-09-2012, 03:17 PM
Speaking of Metallica... they just announced a festival that they're putting together this summer in Atlantic City.

The lineup is very diverse, I must say. Acts announced so far are:

Arctic Monkeys
Avenged Sevenfold
Modest Mouse
The Gaslight Anthem
Cage The Elephant
Fucked Up
Best Coast
Hot Snakes
Titus Andronicus
Gary Clark Jr.
Roky Erickson
The Black Angels
The Sword
A Place to Bury Strangers


02-13-2012, 04:51 PM
Yeah, they've been hinting at something like this on their website and local radio was all over it announcing it before it became "official."